Brain Bath

The Start of Something New

I am on my final winter break. For work I had to take extra units for early childhood development which makes sense since we are a children’s art studio. I don’t exactly know what I want to pursue, but I enjoy the flexibility of my job, and I hope to keep it for a few years while I figure everything else out. I’m finishing my degree in Cell and Molecular biology which makes no sense to me now. But I am part of the many young girls that have no idea what they want to do. I figured I should have something “impressive” in my back pocket. I say that because every time someone asks what I am studying and I say C&M bio, a quick “woo” or “ahh” is let out. And I guess at a young age you care about the sort of thing. You don’t want people to think you’ll fall behind, especially in the Bay Area.

 By January I’m usually left EXTRA broke since it’s the beginning of the year, work is slow, and holiday shopping had to be done. So, I had to be a bit more strategic with my time, 20-dollar lunches didn’t seem feasible at this point. Ronan was visiting Boston for another few days and although he would be back soon, he would soon leave again to go see his father in San Diego. Leaving me a lot of alone time. To plan out my day I thought I would take 2 walks a day, one in the morning and one in the afternoon. Lucky for me it has been extra sunny here in San Francisco. This afternoon I decide I’m taking a walk along the beach, after all it is so close to home. I pull my rain boots on and walk on over. I’m making my way towards the Sea Cliff entrance when I see a women going house to house regarding some sort of signature. No one told her the people who live in Sea Cliff don’t actually “live” in Sea Cliff. And to be honest, she looks a bit suspicious but that isn’t my business. She asks if I live around here and I say sorta which I immediately regret since she probably thinks I live around here and have an absorbent amount of money to be giving out which I don’t. She asks me for some sort of signature and nothing she is saying makes any sense and as she starts to ask me if I can sign, I just choose to tell her I’m in a rush. I start walking down the beach, the air is crisp, the sand is heavy, and there is what looks like a father letting his naked baby play with the sand. Which I find weird, but I guess its supposed to be normal? I guess I just don’t get it, my childhood was a bit bleak. I forget and sit between a few fishermen and another girl. I look over at the proposal set up that’s closer to the end of the beach and a few others. I start walking over, I don’t know why I never went to the very end of the beach. Maybe because from here it looks really far. There’s a guy sitting against the rocks, facing the sun, meditating, I was admiring this action before I realized he was naked. I cringe at the thought of people watching me stare at him like some perve. But then again haven’t men been doing that to us since like…forever. I take my rain boots off and feel the cool sand immerse my toes. Not that I usually care but I got a pedicure this past week, so I don’t feel embarrassed to have them out as if it isn’t normal at the beach. I kneel down in squat position and start to play with the sand on the foreshore. The cool wet sand seems to make me feel grounded. I sat there for 10 minutes just starring at the sand in my hands. I watched as the sand slipped through my fingers and picked it right back up and started to exfoliate my hands with it.

I look up at the purple rays.

someone must be looking at me judging me, but at this point I really cannot care to be bothered. There is so little we have control over, I’m not going to take my free will for granted.

I wait 10 minutes before moving again. There is a woman in a light beige cashmere sweater paired with blue bell bottom jeans. She is on the phone with God knows who and her dog is busy chasing the ball she manages to continuously throw at him. This woman definitely lives on Sea Cliff no doubt. I take advantage of her complete disregard for me in hopes to soak up just an ounce of her class. The way she walks, the way one hand is placed in a jean pocket as she looks down at the sand. I start to think about the cost of her outfit, she can easily be wearing an a thousand-dollar outfit, and you would never know. But I know because as everyone else knows the richest people don’t bother with the branded items.

I’m walking back in the direction of my house. There are fisherman and engagement photos being taken. There are a group of girls taking turns getting photographed with the classic digital camera plus sunset combo. And in the distance, there are three girls running in unison towards the water. Their dirty blonde hair is down, and I watch as the wind slips through the strings of their hair. They have to be around eight or nine because they are still wearing one pieces although their tall enough to look 15. Their long lanky legs run until all three of them meet the cold San Francisco water, into the long purple sun.

You know when your little you don’t know that something will be a core memory for you. It happened more often when we were little before we realized the things that make us happy might make us look a bit silly and we sort of stop having them. We no longer want to feel embarrassment or shame, as we get older, we just chase security.

I close my eyes for split second and allow myself to capture this moment. And although I have no idea who these girls are, I think they might have just gifted me a new lifelong memory.